YEOWZA

Okay - today, Tues Sept 27, 2011, was quite the day.  I'll just go in chronological order.

Got to work early - we had an ID viewing at 9:30, so we needed to prep.  Also, Embalmer was going to be there to do the autopsy repair for the viewing, and we had the crematory driver there picking up cases and dropping off cremains.  He's a new driver - hope he works out for them.

I walk into the prep area, and Embalmer is getting the case out of the cooler. We chat while he works.  Crematory Driver is finishing loading up the cases in his van.  I check in the cremains.  I end up a few inches away from the head of Embalmer's work table.  He unzips the bag, and there was the craziest sight I've yet to see (SKIP IF YOU DON'T WANT GRAPHIC DETAIL).  The man had gone through a complete autopsy, so he was what is called "fully posted".  He had the "Y incision and his scalp was sliced so they could cut the skull and get the brain out.  This particular man? They didn't put the skull cap back inside.  The top of his skull was laying just above his shoulder, upside down. The skin on his face was still intact, so he looked normal up until the eyebrows - then the scalp sunk down into the empty space that used to house his skull and brain.  It was the most startling thing I've ever seen.  I was not prepared for it AT ALL.  It actually made me leave the room. (Embalmer came and checked on me later to make sure I was okay.  He's such a good egg!)  Anyway, by the time Embalmer was done cleaning him up, he had reinserted the skull parts and sewed his scalp back together.  We were told the family was going to bring a cap of some kind, so we weren't worried about the sutures showing.

We wheel him out to the chapel and get it set up for the ID viewing starting within the hour.  I go back to my desk, and Embalmer goes in the back to start the embalming case he needs to do for services on Friday.  Moments later, I hear him yell for our Driver.  Not a full minute after that, they are both standing in my doorway yelling at me to get the Crematory driver to come back ASAP.  He took the wrong case.  HOLY CRAP!!  This is a HUGE error - it can't get bigger than this.  Cremation is F O R E V E R - no returns, no exchanges, no refunds.  I get on the phone to the crematory while I'm texting my crematory contact.  Left messages at all four numbers, plus email and text. Finally hear from her that her driver is 5 min away from their office.  He swears he has the right cases.  We beg to differ.  Embalmer has no body to work on now, so he heads out to another job. We agree to reschedule when we receive the case back.

My SIL/Boss came in, looking a little ragged and red-eyed.  I asked what was wrong, and she said she'd spent the morning crying.  I started to panic, but she smiled and said it's all good - her 17yo son Came Out to her last night.  For anyone that knows Nephew, this is NOT news, but it's never been spoken.  I'm so proud of him and how strong a person he is, and proud of her, too.  This is a little hard on her.  BIL, Nephew's step dad, is having a bit harder of a time, but I think he'll come around.  What's REALLY sucky is that poor Nephew has homophobic cousins on all sides. Sadly, I'm related to two of them. These are going to be interesting holidays this year, that's for sure.

The ID viewing for Graphic Case gets started. An ID view is smaller, shorter and cheaper than a viewing.  Limited to 10 people or less, no hair/makeup done, laying on a table with a pillow and a blanket, no casket usage, etc.  Minimal minimal minimal.  We make each attendee sign a release stating that viewing their loved one in this condition is likely to be traumatic, yada yada yada.  So I'm sitting in my office, and I hear a small child scream and cry.  The Mom in me bolts out of my office, and there, in the front fucking row of the chapel, sits some twatwaffle douchecanoe adult with the dead man's 2 year old daughter.  We remind the family we have a child's room down the hallway with a DVD player & Disney movies, toys, crayons, etc.  NOPE, said the fuckwits, she's fine here with us. They sat there for over an hour. OH - and guess who decided to not bring a hat for him??!!  Poor little girl had to sit there with her dad laid out on a table, sutures on his bald scalp, eyes and mouth superglued shut, hands all thin and pasty while lower arms were swollen with fluids that had settled, and MORE grossness if they lifted the blanket.  WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BRING A CHILD???!!!  I had to leave the room before I got arrested.

Get a call from the crematory.  Driver should be back by 1:00 with our case.  Late last night we took in a stinky case, so I informed them that they would be returning one, picking up the correct case and taking an additional case - no charge.  I got no argument. Call Embalmer, reschedule this embalming for tomorrow.  THANK HEAVEN we had a few days leeway on that one - their services are on Friday.

ID view finally ends, poor traumatized child can finally leave, and we clean up the chapel to get ready for the 1:00 service.

LUNCHTIME! 

There is definitely MORE, but it's late and I'm tired, so I'll continue this at a later time.

Peace Out

Gimme a room without a view

The funeral professionals of the world are just trying to protect you.  Don't make us explain everything.  You really do NOT want the details, no matter how much you say you do. Just trust us when we request loose-fitting, long sleeves and head coverings.  Really.

Seriously, people, dead bodies are not pretty, as a general rule. Especially dead bodies of those you knew in life.  We had a family who was just not 'getting it' when we kept suggesting they bring in a baseball cap, or a ski cap or some other head covering for their loved one.  "But he really didn't care for hats, so it's stupid to put a hat on him now!  He was always proud of his hair!"  Well, guess what.  Your precious angel was killed in prison. That means autopsy, which means shaving the head so they can cut off the top of the skull to access the brain.  Really NOT what you want as your last mental image of your child, now is it?  Didn't think so.

If there's an autopsy, you don't want a viewing. Trust me on this one.  Really and truly.  The repair work can be extensive (which easily translates into expensive) and then you have the WRONG image to keep in your memory bank as 'the last time' you saw them.  The term 'discoloration' has a whole new meaning to me now, and I now understand 'rigor mortis' like never before.   If you hear the words 'fetal position', you don't want a viewing.  This is definitely "past the point of no return" stuff.

I don't know the reasons why people want to see the bodies (or at least waist-up) of their loved ones. It's definitely cultural.  If my successors allow, I want a direct cremation after the harvesters have gotten anything useful out of my shell of a being.  No need to go to the expense of buying land to bury me, the casket, the vault and gravemarker.  We're shy on real estate anyway - why take up more space?!  Inter my ashes if you must have 'a place' to visit, or just scatter me.  I have no use for the shell anymore, so why keep it around?  And please LORD do not put me on a shelf in a house somewhere!! That honestly creeps me out.

What a loser.

I am doing this on my phone, so I will have to make corrections once I get back on the conputer . . .

Ism just feeling kinda low . . . i really need to get a grip.  There is soooo much more I should be and sooo much more I should be doing.  i just want to make my little corner of the world a little better.  But i have no idea what to do, and i have no energy or strength to do it.  I know Ive done some good things in my life, but I'm just so overwhelmed by the crap and chaos I cause.

i do know why I am on the earth, though.  It is to bring David into this world.  the scary thing is, I dont know how to handle his issues.  I'm just not prepared to deal with the diagnosis - so much so that =Sm refusing to find out for sure what the   diagnosis is.  How stupid and selfish can I be??!!  What a shitty mother I am.  My awesome son deserves so much more than I can give him.  I'm just lost . . .

Frustrations

So - - - yeah.  Things are crazy right now.

I definitely get the feeling that the main FA in our office thinks I have been hired to be her assistant.  NOT the case.  My understanding from the owners is that I have been hired to essentially run the office, thus the Office Manager title.  Since I am a licensed Funeral Director, that is on my business cards, but I'm not comfortable with what people will think when they see that. They will assume that I have a clue, and I do NOT.  I need to learn how to tell her NO when she hands me stuff to do, as I am now running behind on my stuff.

Also, having issues with one of our drivers. For some reason, he's completely lost his work ethic and his motivation . . . some are big things and some are small - all are frustrating.  Not answering when he's on-call, not calling when he's out sick, not keeping an eye on inventory, not taking 10 minutes every morning and leaf-blowing the patio and parking lot, not taking care of the van at all,   Uuugghh.  I don't want to have to fire anyone, let alone someone I really enjoy.  He's a great kid, but he's really losing it.

<<sigh>>

She got herself a nice younger man

I kept meaning to post about this earlier, but this week just went bonkers on me.

I had the joy of talking to a fun gentleman the other day - he called asking about a preneed for his wife.  He knows the need is coming soon.  I asked where she was, thinking that she was in a hospital or on hospice . . . "well, right now she's out shopping with our daughter" was NOT the answer I expected!  He proceeded to tell me that he's just trying to get things in order because he's the young one - he's 92 and she is 97.  WOW. That is so awesome!  He's the cutest thing - he came in to meet with our preneed arranger, and he's soo adorable!  I was expecting a walker or something, but he was in jeans, a fishing t-shirt, and just marched right on back to the conference room.  I'm so glad we met with him - turns out he's being screwed by another mortuary.  They were trying to sell him a preneed plan for her, when in all actuality, she already has TWO that are PAID IN FULL.  They are non-revolkable, so he does have to wait until she dies, but at that time, we will take the smaller policy to pay for the services he needs, then submit the contract marked "paid in full" to the other company and they have to mail him a check.  He was so happy to be treated with respect and to NOT be sold anything.  He took a ton of our flyers and pens, promising to tell all his friends about how wonderful we are to deal with.  So YAY!!!

Prudence has done the impossible!

The other crazy story from today, Sept 20, 2011 (all names have been changed):

Arranger makes arrangements for Prudence to be cremated.  Her only child Delbert is driving in from out-of-state to handle things.  Arranger handles everything perfectly, as usual. Makes no promises that he himself will not be able to keep, keeps the family informed every step of the way, etc.

Arranger gets a call from a cemetery asking about the permits.  Arranger is surprised, this is not where Delbert was going to have Prudence interred.  Cremation put on hold - the permit may not be valid since the final disposition has now changed.  Arranger, Delbert, and cemetery trade communications for a bit, and final disposition is determined. Permit redone, cremation can now take place.  Crematory tells me Prudence will be back in our care on the 22nd.  I publish the crematory list to staff.

Urn was ordered when arrangements were made.  Urn arrived yesterday. Perfect. Just waiting for cremains. Assistant calls this afternoon, asking if urn is here. We say yes - it's all ready to go.

A few hours later, Assistant calls to tell us Delbert and his wife Josephine will be by late this afternoon to pick up Prudence's cremains and the urn - please someone stay to handle it since they're driving in from out of state.  I ask why they are coming - we won't have the cremains back in our care for two more days? Assistant freaks out, starts to call every number we have for family to have them call us ASAP.

Later, I get a call from Delbert and Josephine - they will be at the office within about 30 minutes to pick up Prudence.  I tell them the cremains are not back in our care, and we don't expect to have them until sometime on Thursday.  I ask who called them to tell them they were ready.  They said they were promised by Arranger on the contract that Prudence would be ready on Monday the 19th.  (uuuhhh NO.  Arranger doesn't give date promises on stuff out of his hands, and there are no such dates mentioned in our contracts).  Delbert asks what they are supposed to do at the service tomorrow morning at the cemetery? My blood runs cold.  They try to get me to somehow make the cremains appear on the shelf. I explain that the change of locations (a total of 4 times!!) had put a delay on the process, but no one notified us that there was a specific date needed.  Turns out they talked to Assistant this morning - when Assistant asked if the urn was here, he meant was it full of the proper cremains and ready to be released to the family.  We understood he was asking about the urn itself - and it was here, but empty and waiting for the cremains to arrive.  OUR BAD!!!

Delbert and Josephine agree to call Arranger on his cell phone.  Josephine calls me back a few minutes later (much calmer, and much less accusatory) saying they will be picking up just the urn, and will do a 'fake' service tomorrow, and will bring the urn back to us so we can transfer the ashes once Prudence is back in our care.

Arranger calls to make sure I am doing what he wants me to do. Tells me that he has spoken to the cemetery, and they DO NOT have a service scheduled for Prudence tomorrow. Delbert and Josephine planned the service without our involvement at all, so it's really not a concern to us.  But it's just an interesting little sidebar.

It's 5:20, and a huge camper trailer pulls up out front.  Josephine comes in.  She goes into a hissy about how horrid the cemetery has been, yada yada yada yada.  She LOVES the urn (it really is beautiful - the kind I want if I get one). We sit and chat a bit more, and she starts to relax and lose her edge. She tells me that she's frustrated in how her husband has handled things.  She discovered they have no services set up for tomorrow, but she's got a plan to solve it.  (I try not to be visibly relieved.)

Josephine decides they will keep the urn and return home as scheduled, not stopping by again. Once Prudence has returned to our care, we will ship the temporary urn to the cemetery with all necessary permits, letting the cemetery do the interment when it fits their schedule.

The conversation winds down and we go back to the delayed cremation. Josephine said, "This would be just like Prudence - always a day late! She'd celebrate Christmas on the 26th if she could get away with it!"  We laugh.  Then it hits me.  I tell her, "If everyone knows that she was always late to everything, then you can use that to lighten the mood tomorrow at the cemetery. If you want, you can tell everyone that the urn you have is empty, because Prudence has done the impossible:  SHE IS LATE TO HER OWN FUNERAL!"  Josephine throws her head back and just laughs.  She loves the idea.  No clue if they will do that or not, but it made the appointment end on a happy note.

And so, I leave work just before 6 yet again.  Crazy.

Romeo, oh Romeo . . . wherefore art thou WIFE?

I am really getting to understand why people say that truth is stranger than fiction.  You can't make this crap up.
 
(Preface:  This post is the Reader's Digest version of several solid days filled with dozens of phone calls, emails, and faxes between these parties, the VA, the coroner, private investigators on several sides, and us.  Obviously names have been changed.)

Romeo died last week.  We are contacted by Wife Letha.  We get docs out to Letha for signature, since she is the next-of-kin.  We get a call from Sister - she wants to make arrangements for her brother's funeral - coroner told her that Romeo was in our care.  She is paying, but she is out of state, tells us to contact her sister in law, Romeo's widow Ethel, for any signatures required of next-of-kin.  We say, "Who the heck is Ethel? Letha is the wife!"  Sister says, "No, Romeo's current wife is Ethel, not Letha."  We tell Letha what we've learned.  She said she has proof that Romeo divorced his first wife and sends a copy of the Dissolution of Marriage between Romeo and - - - Mabel.  We say, "Who the heck is Mabel?"  We ask Sister.  Turns out that Mabel is wife #1, Ethel is wife #2, and Letha is wife #3 (who thought she was wife #2). But actually, Letha is not legally Romeo's wife, since Romeo and Ethel never divorced, so any marriage that Letha thinks took place is null and void. 

Romeo & Mabel = less than 10 years = married and divorced
Romeo & Ethel = 10-15 years = married, not divorced
Romeo & Letha = less than 5 years = never legally married

YEAH.  Letha is now completely out of the picture to get any of Romeo's estate unless she is specifically named (via social security number) as a beneficiary.  No social security, no insurance, no say at all in any final arrangements, etc.  To make things even murkier, Sister is not convinced that Letha is an innocent victim of her forgetful and lazy brother (who had to be prodded by Mabel to divorce her since she wanted to remarry a few years after they split up). Luckily, none of that matters to us - we just had to determine who was the legal next of kin and therefore responsible and eligible to authorize final disposition of Romeo.

Just to add more fun to the mix, MY COWORKER had to break it to Letha that she was NOT the next of kin and she had NO legal right to make any decision regarding Romeo's final arrangements.  GOOD TIMES.

Moving on to the next post from today . . .

Things learned

Well - today was tough. We had a family come in whose story is just devastating to me.  Husband and wife have a fight, wife leaves for a preplanned weekend with her sisters, returns home to find husband hanging in their bedroom.  Her last words to her husband were hurtful.  She is not going to recover any time soon.  I'm not sure I could survive what she's going through.  All I can do is lift her up in prayer, hoping she can gain some sort of solace and forgiveness. What I will do is make sure this tragedy doesn't happen in my life.  I will make a special effort to end every interaction in peace and love. 

Catching up

I've missed several days in here.  Let's see what I've missed writing about . . .

Sunday was the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the East coast.  We had nothing planned for the day, so we just spent the day relaxing around the house.  I watched a few programs on 9/11, and when it got too tense, I switched to the Bridezilla marathon. They actually worked together to get my priorities in the right place.  I watched the CBS special that was about the documentary that two brothers were filming with a FDNY unit, starting in July 2011.  It's an amazing thing to see. Though I found much of it disturbing, I'm really glad I watched it all.  I'd highly recommend it to anyone interested in truly a front row seat to First Responders - filmed as it happened.

I have resolved to tell the important people in my life that they ARE the important people in my life. Everything can change in an instant.  I'm pretty good about it already, but I must be vigilant.

Monday, 09.12.11
Starting a new week at work.  I'm really liking my new job - much much more than I really thought I would.  I figured I would need some time to get accustomed to things and to find the joy in the job, but I am already there.  We had a lady come in today to pick up a permit - she was one of the most amazing people I've ever met.  All in one month, she lost her son, her uncle and her mother.  The week after her mother's service, she was in a car accident and totaled her car. Due to all the stress and chaos of her life at that time, she had forgotten to pay her insurance premium, so she was uninsured.  And she has the biggest smile you'd ever want to see.  She was so warm and wonderful, and just had a light around her.  She was in the office for no more than 5 minutes, and by the time she left, both Cyn and I had to hug her, and at least I was nearly in tears.  Soooo emotional.  She was just SO TRULY HAPPY.  It's so hard to explain.  Truly a remarkable experience.

Tuesday, 09.13.11
Kind of a rough day - our driver went home sick.  And he didn't respond to a First Call in the middle of the night.  And yesterday was his girlfriend's birthday.  And not everyone believes the illness. Though EJ and I had a good day, I didn't like the vibe I was getting from the rest of the boys in the company.  I am so grateful that I work with her - she's really a great gal.  Love her to bits.

She had a family appt at 5:30, and since AO went home sick, I felt I should stay with her.  NO WAY I'm leaving anyone there alone!  We didn't get out until nearly 7, so I had to rush to rehearsal.  Got there late, but got there!!

Mary Ellen wants to do a solo in the Broadway piece, and she asked me to double her so she won't lose her nerve.  Steve seemed happy to consider it.  And I nearly fell over when I heard myself telling Steve that I'd sing any solo in the Billy Joel number.  WTF am I thinking??!!!  If I DO end up doing a solo, then I have to decide whether to tell Jon or not.  I would rather it be a surprise, but I suck at keeping things from him for any extended period of time. We shall see . . . :o)

Wednesday, Sept 14, 2011
Yeah, so I'm having a wine cooler right now.  I'm kinda reeling with stuff right now, and for some reason, a Mike's Hard Black Cherry Lemonade sounded good.  And so it is.

Got a call from JM today - her Mom passed away this afternoon.  I was her first call to a friend.  I'm so so sad for her, but we both know this is a good thing.  Death is the ultimate healer.  I have so many memories of her mom.  At least most of mine are good ones - Alzheimer's is a horrid disease.  The whole family has a lot of healing to do now.

I had a neat phone call from a 92yo man, but that will have to wait for another post.  I'm too melancholy at the moment.  I just wish I were with JM right now. :'o(

What I learned today

(Written on Sat 09.10.11)
Yesterday was a really busy day - got to watch part of another embalming.  Really strange - the guy had blood like used motor oil . . . eeeeww.    He didn't smell too bad, though, so it was more fascinating than disgusting.  It's really amazing how quickly I have became accustomed to being around dead bodies.  They don't phase me in the least right now.

Today we had a training meeting, and I learned a quirky fact: the official location of death is based on the location of the head.  This apparently came into play not that long ago when someone committed suicide by chainsaw in their front yard.  They cut their own head off, and the head ended up in the neighbor's yard, so that's where the death occurred, per the police report.  Apparently the neighbors were none too happy about it.

I'm a tired camper, and the BBQ is over for the night, so I may just pack it in and head to bed.  I'm missing my friends tonight, and am just not feeling up to writing anything noteworthy, let alone witty.

(written Wed 09.14.11)
And I was apparently too tired to hit the "publish" button.  Sooooooooo yeah.  

Another day of Firsts

So - today was interesting.  This was the first service in our chapel since I was hired, and I dressed my first body for the viewing.  This was the first time I've actually touched the body (while wearing gloves, of course).  The other times I've been moving bodies by grabbing the bag, board, gurney or forklift, but this time I had him under the arm, by the leg, or by the hips, depending on what position we needed him in.  He started out buck naked and the family supplied a complete outfit - undies, socks, boots, undershirt, dress shirt, vest, jacket and hat.  Didn't know that people would supply the entire outfit - only the waist-up is visible for an hour or two - then the casket is closed and no one will ever see inside it again (barring any crazy situation in the future).  This family also bought a fairly large bottle of what I'm told was top quality hard liquor.  We had it in the casket in his hands, and they took it out and passed it around before the service was over.  By the time it went back into the casket for good, it was over 1/2 gone.  Wow.  I have a LOT to learn about the cultures and ethnicities in the IE.

Today is also the first time that I smell of "loved one", as EJ calls it.  Today's gentleman was not a decomp so it's not horrid, but it is a very specific odor.  I'm just glad it's not too strong.  Anyway, my clothes are already in the washing machine.  Now I just need to get some lotion on my hands or something.  Hmmm - what covers up Eau de Death?  LOL  Off to find my stash of Bath and Body Works lotions that I have never asked for yet always end up with.  Good thing I'm too lazy and haven't thrown them out!

Becoming Morticia

SOOOOOOOO . . . . yeah. Things have changed drastically. I am no longer in construction and I'm now working for my SIL and BIL as the Office Manager/Funeral Director in their Funeral Home.  THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call a Career Change.

What I'm doing with this blog post is essentially a copy/paste of my correspondence between me and Ms Death (a wonderful girlfriend - TR). I want to keep it, since it says a LOT about me, so here it is, warts and all (edited to remove identifying details).

There's a LOT here I need to work through, so I thought I'd at least start by putting it in one place so I could see it and work thru it.  I'm really afraid I've hurt someone very special to me, so I have to dissect it to see where it went wrong so I won't do it again.

Mon, Aug 29, 2011 - Morticia

Alrighty Ms Death, I am home from my first day. I have NO problem talking about what I do, but I think I'd best keep it off my wall just out of respect. That being said, here's my story of the day:

I rode with AO (our driver) for my first pick-up today. Picked up a man from the veterans hospital. Talk about crazy . . . we had to park on the loading dock, put the gurney by a blank set of doors on the 3rd floor, go to the 4th floor to dispatch, then brought that stuff to the 2nd floor Memorial Affairs office, got the flag for the coffin, and then back up to the 3rd floor to the morgue (those blank doors where AO put our gurney were just outside the cooler room). Had to move 4 bodies out of the way so we could access the one we needed to bring into our care. Never saw a forklift quite like that one . . .

OH - the funniest part was when we took the elevator back down to the dock with the body on the gurney - - no one would get in the elevator with us LOL!

SOOOOOO . . . . I was thinking I could send you links to some of the stuff I got, so you can see where I started with my "wardrobe". I definitely need assistance in the accessorizing department. Good lord. I really am a candidate for What Not to Wear! I've had at least two sets of co-workers nominate me before . . . that's how sad it is LOL. Anyway, I'll send them to your hotmail acct in a bit . . .

Gotta toss the kidlet into bed. Later gator!! xoxo

Wed, Aug 31, 2011 - Morticia

Sooo - day two story:

Our other location got a call, real casual, from a woman asking for us to pick up her 7 week old baby. She didn't know how it died but wanted a cremation as quickly as possible. Hmmmmmmm - sounded fishy. Not long after getting that call the sheriff called asking when they were going to come in to sign the contract . . . Long story short, the dad was arrested last night and the baby is at the coroners office for a complete autopsy. There are some really sick fucks out there.

Day 3 story: nothing dramatic like yesterday, but I helped prep 5 clients for cremation. Not hard at all, but certainly nothing I've ever done before. I folded 5 cardboard coffins, put the bodies inside, and labeled them for the crematory to pick up tonight. Tomorrow I should have at least one box of cremains to check in that they're to drop off tonight. The embalmer will be coming tomorrow, too. More stories!!

Soooooo there it is! The exciting tales of the New Mortuary Chick's first week!

~Me :o) xoxo

Wed, Aug 31, 2011 - Ms Death

Omg. OMGahhhhhd!! Wtf, a seven week old!? Seriously, I couldn't handle that.. Old people keelin over are one thing but babies should never die, i hope those parents rot in hell.. Or at least jail.. Keep me posted in that one;( wow, i had no idea you were gonna be a mortuary do it aller.. Geez! Are you totally fine with the deceased or are you kinda freaked out!? Wow. How do you get ready to be creamated!? Stripped down? Do you yank out gold fillings lol.. WOW. Ok, I love this, I need to know everything! Can you blog about this!!???? It would be AMAzAnngggg! I would love to see your purchases btw-please, and why the hell didnt they pick you for WNTW?! I'm still very sorry about Sunday.. Shit ended up hitting the fan and sprayed everywhere:-/

Wed, Aug 31, 2011 - Morticia

Yeah the 7wo really pissed us all off. Boss said she sounded as if she were ordering a sandwich rather than making final arrangements for her infant. Since the cops are involved, we may not get the case after all. FINE BY ME.

And I didn't know I was going to be doing all this, either. LOL. I'm okay with it, I guess. Way back shortly after you were born, I was a sports med major, and I worked on cadavers quite a bit. The strange thing for me now is that these bodies have skin on them - the cadavers in college were skinned so we could study the muscles and tendons and such.

Prepping for cremation is super easy - simply check the ankle band, match the name to the bag tag, zip the bag closed, slide into the cardboard coffin, label the box, and slide it back into the cooler to await pickup by the crematory. Everything stays in the box - sheets, clothes, body bag, misc towels or other linens from the hospital or home . . . The only thing we remove is the pacemaker. At crematory temps, those will explode. If it happens when the attendant is --- stoking the fire, if you will --- the exploding pacemaker can kill the attendant. It has happened before so it's now the law to remove it prior to cremation. The next client we have with a pacemaker, I will be assisting with the removal. Yeowza. Sooo NOT included in the interview! LOL

Not sure I can/should blog about this stuff. Still getting my training on what can and cannot be legally discussed.

Wed, Aug 31, 2011 - Morticia

Oh - check your hotmail - I sent a whole grip of links to the crap I bought. :o)

Thurs, Sept 1, 2011 - Morticia

Day 4 . . .

Got to meet the embalmer today - he is sooo cute and fun! Apparently he is quite the opposite of most embalmers out there. We chatted about all sorts of things while he stood there embalming an older man. It was really anticlimactic - nowhere near as "dramatic" as I had pictured it to be. Very 'ho hum'. And today I also found where their former manager stole even more cash from them than they thought. Uuuggghhh. And I typed up three fetal death certificates - so sad. At least I didn't have to see them - just had to file the paperwork with the county.

Soooo cooool - DH told me to meet them at Ontario Mills so I could take DS home and let him shop by himself. Hopefully this will be a better birthday than last year. LOL

TTYL! xoxo

Thurs, Sept 1, 2011 - Ms Death

I'm so glad you seem to be diggin your new gig! You deserve it more than anyone I know! Love your stories!! The whole blog thing..I know you can't get into details but just the humor you will be able to provide about such a dreary thing could make a lot of peeps smile..Annnddd when is your birthday!?? ADDRESS PLEASE!!!

xo

P.s. Chaz Bono huh? LOL

Thurs, Sept 1, 2011 - Morticia

The balls of my feet are SCREAMING . . . ouchie kabouchie! Good lord - how do women wear heels all dang day??!!

My birthday is this Sunday - and yes, my mom went into labor ON Labor Day LOL. Holy crap = I'm damn OLD!! Oh well. It sure beats the alternative, right? LOL Last year was the worst birthday I ever had. It all turned out better the week following, but the actual day sucked. GB sure helped make it suck - and he definitely enjoyed doing his part to torture me. I can't ever stay mad at him, no matter how hard I try, so all was forgiven the week after. Butthead LOL

Our addy is xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. You gonna come over??!!!?!!!?!!!

I know lots of people think it's stupid, but to be completely honest, Chaz Bono is truly one of my heroes. He has the kind of self-confidence and self-acceptance that I'm just not capable of. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to go thru everything he has in such a public way. The thought of that alone makes me break out into a sweat. Good god, I can't even shop for myself without having a panic attack, and I rarely stand up for myself without apologizing for it later, so to see someone who is strong enough to be really be true to themselves in that huge of a way is just inspirational to me.

I will see on the blog thing . . . again with the self-confidence. I just don't ever want anyone to not like me. I know it's impossible to be agreeable to everyone, but for whatever reason, that's all I can accept from myself. I'm really afraid of making people mad, so I usually just shy away from controversy whenever I can. Good god, I'm such a wuss. *sigh*

OH - did you get the links to the crap I already bought? What do you think??

xoxoxo

Fri, Sept 2, 2011 - Ms Death

LOVED your new attire!!! Great job, love the colors and the shoes! For reals, I want both pairs!!

Well..be on the look out for a small package!! We are going to make up for GB's evil birthday prank last year. Geesh, what a jerkface!

As far as Chaz, I watched the Oprah show with him (her?) on it..I liked her before the transformation..I just don't understand why she had to get soooo manly. The whole wife beater thing and belly..i don't know, I kind of feel bad for his girlfriend.. And I think it's like a death also..The little girl that Cher brought into this world..is well, gone. Of course ya gotta do what you gotta do to be happy..Maybe i just can't get over the fact that a woman could really WANT to be a man. I don't get it do I haha.

Sooo I am pretty sure I have some of your DNA in me..I am the same way, I avoid ALL confrontation, I DESPISE drama and I LACK all confidence. I am a big mushy banana...which is why I am so sweet. If only I turned brown lol. I appreciate confident people, I am totally inspired by anyone who makes themselves successful..especially if they have to start from scratch..But it's really hard to get anywhere if your not a bitch..Oh well..next life?

Hope you are having a great day! Happeeee Friday!!!

xoxo

Fri, Sept 2, 2011 - Morticia

STOP!!! You weren't supposed to send me anything!!! Shit. Augh ..... why do I open my yap?! I was just bitchin and moanin . . . All I wanted was to hear "happy birthday, girl" from my favorite boss, and he completely blew me off - KNOWING that it hurt my feelings and that just made it all the sweeter to him. That was followed by a really shitty weekend at home and I just wanted it to be OVER. He made it up to me the following week, but it just made me so sad that he thoroughly enjoyed hurting my feelings. I guess I've always been sensitive about my birthday - it was the only day that I ever felt important as a kid. My dad would back up outta my grill for a day - best gift he could give me LOL

Good god . . . I'm so full of emotional baggage . . . I'm so sorry to dump this all over you. I need to go get drunk. I'm sorry.

Fri, Sept 2, 2011 - Morticia

***********IGNORE THE ABOVE MESSAGE***********

Obviously I had lost my mind. I would delete this if I knew how. Ugh . . . :o( I'm going to bed so I can hopefully regain some sanity and respond to you in a normal, friendly, pleasant, and sane manner tomorrow. Forgive me?! :'o(

Mon, Sept 5, 2011 - Morticia

OKAY - Hopefully I've put Ignorant Rude Bitch back under her rock. I will not allow her to interrupt me.

THANKS for the compliments on my new threads I feel comfy in them, and I don't think I look extra heinous in them, so it's all good. I was shopping with my mom today (good god, what a chore that was) and we stopped in some jewelry departments (Sears, Target and Kohl's) just to see what was out there. We quickly realized that we had no clue what we were doing, so we left LOL. I definitely need your amazing fashion sense to help me out with accessories.

I'm really happy with the ankle boots! They are super comfy. The heels? Not so much. OMG my feet do NOT do heels well. I will have to work my way into being able to wear them.

As for sending me a little something for my b-day - all I can say is *Thank you so very much - that's very very kind and you definitely didn't have to!* I haven't received it yet, but I will tell you when I do. Sorry I flipped out on you the other day . . . I sorta panic when people do nice things for me without expectations of getting something particular in return. I try to do that for other people all the time, but I can't take it when the tables are turned. It makes me very uncomfortable, and all jumpy and twitchy. I know - it's my own personal issue, but there it is. Please believe me when I say that I'm working on it.

As for Chaz - I'm not a fan of the tank top undershirts AT ALL. Yuck. I personally don't find the belly attractive either, but I'm a massive human too, so I have no room to talk. You bring up a very good point - I hadn't looked at it from Cher's point of view and you are right - it is exactly like a death. That would be sooooo hard. I can't even imagine. And as for 'wanting to be a man' - I don't believe that's the case. From what I understand, he has always felt he was male, and didn't want to be female, yet that's how he came out physically. I was just thinking of what it would be like for DH or GB to be who they are, yet born in a female body. NO WAY could they endure that. But our society is pretty hateful and cruel to people who don't fall within certain stereotypical boundaries. I can't believe that people (such as Chaz) would make such a drastic "choice" unless they simply felt no other option was acceptable. Enduring that kind of shit from the general public requires more inner strength than I am capable of, I am sure.

I think we are alike in many ways. I will do just about anything to avoid confrontation. I hate hate hate hate it. I will 'argue' while joking around, but to seriously disagree with someone just tears me up. It's so emotionally draining and physically exhausting that I just give up and give in. Not the best thing to do, prolly, but I've made it this far without dying yet, right? LOL

While I'm sad I didn't get my GB & MsD Fix this weekend, I did have a great weekend nonetheless. My DH is the most amazing man ever. I have no idea how I got him, but I'll be damned if I'm ever gonna let go!! I've had more ice cream in the last three days than I've had in the last 3 months LOL. Fun times with family, with just DH, then today with my mom. All in all it's been pretty darn awesome.

OH!! Before I forget . . . did you see the video of my birthday song at Farrell's? I posted it on my wall on Sunday. The whole time we were there, I kept thinking that it would be hilarious to bring your DS or GB there for their b-day - I think the kids would love it! Sirens, bass drums, fireworks on ice cream sundaes - total loud and crazy insanity. Very GB. LOL

Soooo yeah - I have to get to bed. I'm a tired girl = spent the day shopping for my mom today. Fun, but very exhausting. She's getting older and MUCH more forgetful. Makes it kind of hard. She kept forgetting what store we were in, or what fitting room had all her clothes in it, etc. Oh well. I need to be grateful that I still have time with my mom and enjoy it for what it is.

Love you, girlie! Hope you had a great holiday weekend, and I really want to see you soon!!! I may just start to pout about it one of these days . . . and no one wants that. LOL

Take the best of care of you, and give your man a hug from me. Love you all whole lots of bunches!! xoxoxoxoxoxoooooooo

Tues, Sept 6, 2011 - Morticia

Week 2

Removed a man's defibrillator - again, very ho-hum. No drama at all. Unzipped the body bag, found the unit just under the skin above the ribs, cut him open, pulled the unit out of place, snipped all the wires, tossed the unit in the biomedical waste bin, taped up the hole with normal packing tape and zipped the bag closed again. Less than 5 minutes (took more time to find the scalpel and snips than the whole procedure did from start to finish). And I sat with a family today doing the signing of all the docs.

Lalalala. Such is the excitement of my life as Morticia! More stories tomorrow :o)

Wed, Sept 7, 2011 - Morticia

My story for today:

EJ, our lead family counselor, had a meeting with a family to make final arrangements for their father today. One family member was truly in hysterics - as in screaming at the top of her lungs, throwing herself against walls and sinking to her knees as she *tried* to walk down the hallway - she ended up under the conference table on her back, kicking the bottom of the table, shrieking at top volume all the while. I had people on the phone ask me to turn down my radio so they could hear me better. And I was in my office on the other side of the mortuary with all doors closed.

She was a white woman in her mid-to-late 40's. And this performance went on for about 45 solid minutes. Wow.

Tomorrow we have a service in our chapel (my office door opens into the chapel) so it's going to be strange for me. I'd best remember to stock up on my Diet Coke before they start! LOL

Love ya & miss ya!! xoxoxoxoooooooo

~Me :o)