Angel, gel, and Kermit

So here it is, late October, and I'm finally posting again.  I have done some crazy things, seen some things I will never forget, and I think I'm finally able to write about some of it.

I dealt with my first infant. Sweet little angel girl - about 10 mos old, I think.  I haven't seen the death certificate, so I'm not sure what her age was.  She's too young to be in EDRS so her death had to be recorded to the State by hand.  Tragic tragic story:  Mom and Dad go out for a date, leaving Angel in Grandpa's care.  They return to find Angel dead, and Grandpa missing.  Coroner and Embalmer found puncture wounds on her lower back, and a deliberate slice along the top of one buttock. She was also very bruised on her upper back and buttocks.  I don't know if Grandpa has been found yet or not.  Mom is not doing well - her daughter is dead and her father has disappeared.  Dad is teetering on the edge of sanity - he's reportedly bashing his head into walls, so he was all cut up and bruised at her funeral.  I couldn't watch the embalming nor the autopsy repair - apparently infants are embalmed through the heart, and they place the heart on the chest when they do it so it can be done properly.  Boss Lady stayed back there during the procedure.  The next day, I helped Arranger CDC Angel (cosmetize, dress and casket).  Her casket was light pink, with a sweet embroidered poem inside the lid.  Parents sent a cute little pink tights/purple tutu dress. Arranger did a fantastic job on her makeup. She looked just like she was sleeping. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I made myself do it.  If she were my baby, I would want the last person to touch her to do so with gentle love and tender care.  So I did it for Angel's mom.

A few days later, I went to my brother's son's birthday party (LOL - just ask if you don't understand).  The following night, I dreamed about the party - everything was the same, except I saw Angel playing in the bounce house and running around the lawn with all the other kids.  I knew it was her from her hair and her outfit.  I didn't interact with her in the dream, and I don't remember a parent or anything, but she was all giggles and smiles.  I woke up being very glad that she was safe and happy.

A few days later, I definitely had my most disturbing day.  I watched our Embalmer and our Driver piece together a man's head and sew it back on to his body.  I thought Driver was going to pass out.  He was doing the holding while Embalmer did the sewing.  Embalmer had to mold wax to form the back of his head where the skull had been completely obliterated.  Motorcycle accidents can do terrible things to the human form.  And this guy wore his helmet.  We tried to talk the family out of doing a viewing, but they really really wanted an ID viewing (no casket, minimal makeup, dressed from the chest up with a blanket, laying on a table).  He died from blunt force trauma to the chest (no ribs were connected anymore and both arms had been shattered), so his whole upper body was like a cold gel-filled pouch after the embalming - arms and everything.  It was starting to come out his pores, so everywhere the fabric touched him, it got damp and stuck. It was really gross. He looked much better than we thought he would turn out, but I nearly croaked when his sister flung herself on top of him, sobbing.  He was icy cold and really squishy - I just feel so sad that her last memory of him is that.

And then there was Green Man.  We had a gentleman who Embalmer worked on the day after he arrived in our care.  Embalmer was NOT pleased with his state - not sure how long he had been dead nor where he had been between the time he died and the time we got him.  Embalmer did the best he could, but said it was like embalming tofu.  Fast forward a few days - we pull him out so embalmer can CDC him. Embalmer pulls back the sheet and I see the creepiest thing I've ever seen in my life. He was a zombie. Green, dark green, bright green . . . every shade of green you could imagine.  Pretty amazing for a light skinned Latino man.  He honestly looked like a Halloween prop.  I guess the look on my face said it all - Boss Lady could see me but not Green Man.  She immediately grabbed her camera and sent a picture to Boss Man, telling him the viewing was OFF.  Whew.

Again, people - when a funeral professional steers you away from having a viewing, please follow their lead.  Luckily, Green Man's family paid attention and they had a closed casket service.

Will have to write about the fighting families later.  I'm wiped out from writing this - it's bringing it all up again and it's getting to me.

YEOWZA

Okay - today, Tues Sept 27, 2011, was quite the day.  I'll just go in chronological order.

Got to work early - we had an ID viewing at 9:30, so we needed to prep.  Also, Embalmer was going to be there to do the autopsy repair for the viewing, and we had the crematory driver there picking up cases and dropping off cremains.  He's a new driver - hope he works out for them.

I walk into the prep area, and Embalmer is getting the case out of the cooler. We chat while he works.  Crematory Driver is finishing loading up the cases in his van.  I check in the cremains.  I end up a few inches away from the head of Embalmer's work table.  He unzips the bag, and there was the craziest sight I've yet to see (SKIP IF YOU DON'T WANT GRAPHIC DETAIL).  The man had gone through a complete autopsy, so he was what is called "fully posted".  He had the "Y incision and his scalp was sliced so they could cut the skull and get the brain out.  This particular man? They didn't put the skull cap back inside.  The top of his skull was laying just above his shoulder, upside down. The skin on his face was still intact, so he looked normal up until the eyebrows - then the scalp sunk down into the empty space that used to house his skull and brain.  It was the most startling thing I've ever seen.  I was not prepared for it AT ALL.  It actually made me leave the room. (Embalmer came and checked on me later to make sure I was okay.  He's such a good egg!)  Anyway, by the time Embalmer was done cleaning him up, he had reinserted the skull parts and sewed his scalp back together.  We were told the family was going to bring a cap of some kind, so we weren't worried about the sutures showing.

We wheel him out to the chapel and get it set up for the ID viewing starting within the hour.  I go back to my desk, and Embalmer goes in the back to start the embalming case he needs to do for services on Friday.  Moments later, I hear him yell for our Driver.  Not a full minute after that, they are both standing in my doorway yelling at me to get the Crematory driver to come back ASAP.  He took the wrong case.  HOLY CRAP!!  This is a HUGE error - it can't get bigger than this.  Cremation is F O R E V E R - no returns, no exchanges, no refunds.  I get on the phone to the crematory while I'm texting my crematory contact.  Left messages at all four numbers, plus email and text. Finally hear from her that her driver is 5 min away from their office.  He swears he has the right cases.  We beg to differ.  Embalmer has no body to work on now, so he heads out to another job. We agree to reschedule when we receive the case back.

My SIL/Boss came in, looking a little ragged and red-eyed.  I asked what was wrong, and she said she'd spent the morning crying.  I started to panic, but she smiled and said it's all good - her 17yo son Came Out to her last night.  For anyone that knows Nephew, this is NOT news, but it's never been spoken.  I'm so proud of him and how strong a person he is, and proud of her, too.  This is a little hard on her.  BIL, Nephew's step dad, is having a bit harder of a time, but I think he'll come around.  What's REALLY sucky is that poor Nephew has homophobic cousins on all sides. Sadly, I'm related to two of them. These are going to be interesting holidays this year, that's for sure.

The ID viewing for Graphic Case gets started. An ID view is smaller, shorter and cheaper than a viewing.  Limited to 10 people or less, no hair/makeup done, laying on a table with a pillow and a blanket, no casket usage, etc.  Minimal minimal minimal.  We make each attendee sign a release stating that viewing their loved one in this condition is likely to be traumatic, yada yada yada.  So I'm sitting in my office, and I hear a small child scream and cry.  The Mom in me bolts out of my office, and there, in the front fucking row of the chapel, sits some twatwaffle douchecanoe adult with the dead man's 2 year old daughter.  We remind the family we have a child's room down the hallway with a DVD player & Disney movies, toys, crayons, etc.  NOPE, said the fuckwits, she's fine here with us. They sat there for over an hour. OH - and guess who decided to not bring a hat for him??!!  Poor little girl had to sit there with her dad laid out on a table, sutures on his bald scalp, eyes and mouth superglued shut, hands all thin and pasty while lower arms were swollen with fluids that had settled, and MORE grossness if they lifted the blanket.  WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BRING A CHILD???!!!  I had to leave the room before I got arrested.

Get a call from the crematory.  Driver should be back by 1:00 with our case.  Late last night we took in a stinky case, so I informed them that they would be returning one, picking up the correct case and taking an additional case - no charge.  I got no argument. Call Embalmer, reschedule this embalming for tomorrow.  THANK HEAVEN we had a few days leeway on that one - their services are on Friday.

ID view finally ends, poor traumatized child can finally leave, and we clean up the chapel to get ready for the 1:00 service.

LUNCHTIME! 

There is definitely MORE, but it's late and I'm tired, so I'll continue this at a later time.

Peace Out

Gimme a room without a view

The funeral professionals of the world are just trying to protect you.  Don't make us explain everything.  You really do NOT want the details, no matter how much you say you do. Just trust us when we request loose-fitting, long sleeves and head coverings.  Really.

Seriously, people, dead bodies are not pretty, as a general rule. Especially dead bodies of those you knew in life.  We had a family who was just not 'getting it' when we kept suggesting they bring in a baseball cap, or a ski cap or some other head covering for their loved one.  "But he really didn't care for hats, so it's stupid to put a hat on him now!  He was always proud of his hair!"  Well, guess what.  Your precious angel was killed in prison. That means autopsy, which means shaving the head so they can cut off the top of the skull to access the brain.  Really NOT what you want as your last mental image of your child, now is it?  Didn't think so.

If there's an autopsy, you don't want a viewing. Trust me on this one.  Really and truly.  The repair work can be extensive (which easily translates into expensive) and then you have the WRONG image to keep in your memory bank as 'the last time' you saw them.  The term 'discoloration' has a whole new meaning to me now, and I now understand 'rigor mortis' like never before.   If you hear the words 'fetal position', you don't want a viewing.  This is definitely "past the point of no return" stuff.

I don't know the reasons why people want to see the bodies (or at least waist-up) of their loved ones. It's definitely cultural.  If my successors allow, I want a direct cremation after the harvesters have gotten anything useful out of my shell of a being.  No need to go to the expense of buying land to bury me, the casket, the vault and gravemarker.  We're shy on real estate anyway - why take up more space?!  Inter my ashes if you must have 'a place' to visit, or just scatter me.  I have no use for the shell anymore, so why keep it around?  And please LORD do not put me on a shelf in a house somewhere!! That honestly creeps me out.

What a loser.

I am doing this on my phone, so I will have to make corrections once I get back on the conputer . . .

Ism just feeling kinda low . . . i really need to get a grip.  There is soooo much more I should be and sooo much more I should be doing.  i just want to make my little corner of the world a little better.  But i have no idea what to do, and i have no energy or strength to do it.  I know Ive done some good things in my life, but I'm just so overwhelmed by the crap and chaos I cause.

i do know why I am on the earth, though.  It is to bring David into this world.  the scary thing is, I dont know how to handle his issues.  I'm just not prepared to deal with the diagnosis - so much so that =Sm refusing to find out for sure what the   diagnosis is.  How stupid and selfish can I be??!!  What a shitty mother I am.  My awesome son deserves so much more than I can give him.  I'm just lost . . .

Frustrations

So - - - yeah.  Things are crazy right now.

I definitely get the feeling that the main FA in our office thinks I have been hired to be her assistant.  NOT the case.  My understanding from the owners is that I have been hired to essentially run the office, thus the Office Manager title.  Since I am a licensed Funeral Director, that is on my business cards, but I'm not comfortable with what people will think when they see that. They will assume that I have a clue, and I do NOT.  I need to learn how to tell her NO when she hands me stuff to do, as I am now running behind on my stuff.

Also, having issues with one of our drivers. For some reason, he's completely lost his work ethic and his motivation . . . some are big things and some are small - all are frustrating.  Not answering when he's on-call, not calling when he's out sick, not keeping an eye on inventory, not taking 10 minutes every morning and leaf-blowing the patio and parking lot, not taking care of the van at all,   Uuugghh.  I don't want to have to fire anyone, let alone someone I really enjoy.  He's a great kid, but he's really losing it.

<<sigh>>

She got herself a nice younger man

I kept meaning to post about this earlier, but this week just went bonkers on me.

I had the joy of talking to a fun gentleman the other day - he called asking about a preneed for his wife.  He knows the need is coming soon.  I asked where she was, thinking that she was in a hospital or on hospice . . . "well, right now she's out shopping with our daughter" was NOT the answer I expected!  He proceeded to tell me that he's just trying to get things in order because he's the young one - he's 92 and she is 97.  WOW. That is so awesome!  He's the cutest thing - he came in to meet with our preneed arranger, and he's soo adorable!  I was expecting a walker or something, but he was in jeans, a fishing t-shirt, and just marched right on back to the conference room.  I'm so glad we met with him - turns out he's being screwed by another mortuary.  They were trying to sell him a preneed plan for her, when in all actuality, she already has TWO that are PAID IN FULL.  They are non-revolkable, so he does have to wait until she dies, but at that time, we will take the smaller policy to pay for the services he needs, then submit the contract marked "paid in full" to the other company and they have to mail him a check.  He was so happy to be treated with respect and to NOT be sold anything.  He took a ton of our flyers and pens, promising to tell all his friends about how wonderful we are to deal with.  So YAY!!!

Prudence has done the impossible!

The other crazy story from today, Sept 20, 2011 (all names have been changed):

Arranger makes arrangements for Prudence to be cremated.  Her only child Delbert is driving in from out-of-state to handle things.  Arranger handles everything perfectly, as usual. Makes no promises that he himself will not be able to keep, keeps the family informed every step of the way, etc.

Arranger gets a call from a cemetery asking about the permits.  Arranger is surprised, this is not where Delbert was going to have Prudence interred.  Cremation put on hold - the permit may not be valid since the final disposition has now changed.  Arranger, Delbert, and cemetery trade communications for a bit, and final disposition is determined. Permit redone, cremation can now take place.  Crematory tells me Prudence will be back in our care on the 22nd.  I publish the crematory list to staff.

Urn was ordered when arrangements were made.  Urn arrived yesterday. Perfect. Just waiting for cremains. Assistant calls this afternoon, asking if urn is here. We say yes - it's all ready to go.

A few hours later, Assistant calls to tell us Delbert and his wife Josephine will be by late this afternoon to pick up Prudence's cremains and the urn - please someone stay to handle it since they're driving in from out of state.  I ask why they are coming - we won't have the cremains back in our care for two more days? Assistant freaks out, starts to call every number we have for family to have them call us ASAP.

Later, I get a call from Delbert and Josephine - they will be at the office within about 30 minutes to pick up Prudence.  I tell them the cremains are not back in our care, and we don't expect to have them until sometime on Thursday.  I ask who called them to tell them they were ready.  They said they were promised by Arranger on the contract that Prudence would be ready on Monday the 19th.  (uuuhhh NO.  Arranger doesn't give date promises on stuff out of his hands, and there are no such dates mentioned in our contracts).  Delbert asks what they are supposed to do at the service tomorrow morning at the cemetery? My blood runs cold.  They try to get me to somehow make the cremains appear on the shelf. I explain that the change of locations (a total of 4 times!!) had put a delay on the process, but no one notified us that there was a specific date needed.  Turns out they talked to Assistant this morning - when Assistant asked if the urn was here, he meant was it full of the proper cremains and ready to be released to the family.  We understood he was asking about the urn itself - and it was here, but empty and waiting for the cremains to arrive.  OUR BAD!!!

Delbert and Josephine agree to call Arranger on his cell phone.  Josephine calls me back a few minutes later (much calmer, and much less accusatory) saying they will be picking up just the urn, and will do a 'fake' service tomorrow, and will bring the urn back to us so we can transfer the ashes once Prudence is back in our care.

Arranger calls to make sure I am doing what he wants me to do. Tells me that he has spoken to the cemetery, and they DO NOT have a service scheduled for Prudence tomorrow. Delbert and Josephine planned the service without our involvement at all, so it's really not a concern to us.  But it's just an interesting little sidebar.

It's 5:20, and a huge camper trailer pulls up out front.  Josephine comes in.  She goes into a hissy about how horrid the cemetery has been, yada yada yada yada.  She LOVES the urn (it really is beautiful - the kind I want if I get one). We sit and chat a bit more, and she starts to relax and lose her edge. She tells me that she's frustrated in how her husband has handled things.  She discovered they have no services set up for tomorrow, but she's got a plan to solve it.  (I try not to be visibly relieved.)

Josephine decides they will keep the urn and return home as scheduled, not stopping by again. Once Prudence has returned to our care, we will ship the temporary urn to the cemetery with all necessary permits, letting the cemetery do the interment when it fits their schedule.

The conversation winds down and we go back to the delayed cremation. Josephine said, "This would be just like Prudence - always a day late! She'd celebrate Christmas on the 26th if she could get away with it!"  We laugh.  Then it hits me.  I tell her, "If everyone knows that she was always late to everything, then you can use that to lighten the mood tomorrow at the cemetery. If you want, you can tell everyone that the urn you have is empty, because Prudence has done the impossible:  SHE IS LATE TO HER OWN FUNERAL!"  Josephine throws her head back and just laughs.  She loves the idea.  No clue if they will do that or not, but it made the appointment end on a happy note.

And so, I leave work just before 6 yet again.  Crazy.