A timely post, borrowed from my cousin

This was posted on Facebook by my cousin, and it really fits what's going on in my life right now.  I need to heed this advice for sure!

 

The Top 5 Regrets In Life By Those About to Die

November 30, 2011 | Posted by Joel

I believe this post you are about to read will be a life changing article in the way that you see your life and how you are living it at the moment. This article is written by Bronnie Ware, a palliative care worker who has worked with a countless number of patients who are sadly seeing their last days on earth. When Bronnie had questioned the patients about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

The Top 5 Regrets:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship.

Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.

They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Girl fights, LDS dressing and mourning in tongues. The trifecta.

What a day!!  I broke up a girl-fight in our parking lot during one service this afternoon, dressed a Mormon man for burial, and had to endure 3 solid hours of strange singing (odd harmonies that were not too pleasant) mixed with loud chanting and forced wailing and mourning in tongues.  Finally left the mortuary at 9:55 tonight.  And that same family is back for round 2 tomorrow morning. 

Ask if you want to know more - I'm just too tired to write about it now LOL.

Oh my - that's a lot of typing

Okay - now that I have some other folks reading this, I'll answer more questions :o)  And feel free to post them here!  I'll still answer them no matter how I get them, so FB, email, text, twitter and blog are all fine.  LOL 

Q: I am glad you love your job! It is so nice to hear you happy and enjoying what you do, rather than the unsatisfying things you'd say at the previous employment esp after your awesome boss left:) And yes, I did remember correctly... ok, so maybe moreso your hubby than you... he must LOVE your stories! 

My new job is going really well, all things considered. I am really happy there - the team is small, but we all really get along well. It's almost like true family LOL. We've had a few bumps along the way, but all in all we really work well as a team.

Things are much different than I had envisioned them to be. I never knew how much literal 'hands on' the job would entail. I have done things I never ever thought I'd do. Not a lot creeps me out anymore, but I'm still new. I haven't seen many ugly cases yet.

I am starting to find my rhythm. I have no qualms being in the morgue alone, and the sight of a dead body doesn't phase me in the least anymore. I have moved people, dressed people, washed them down, casketed them, and have even removed some pacemakers (which was NOWHERE on the job description, let me tell you!!!). I have painted nails, glued lips closed, and taped gaping wounds closed so the families could have their precious viewing. I have done a little cosmetics, but my sister-in-law LOVES that part, so I don't usually get to do hair and makeup.

The older cases are easier since they usually die of natural causes. The young cancer patients are hard, accident victims are harder, and babies are THE WORST. But, it's my job, so I do it. I do it for the mothers who shouldn't do it. I handle their loved one with care and compassion, so they don't have to have a tangible final horrid memory. That being said, none of us will EVER work on someone we know.

The sorrow is hard, but I'm getting used to it. I remove myself from their pain and symbolically lead them by the hand through the toughest time they've ever experienced. I have been called terrible things, but no worse than when I worked customer service in retail. I have learned that families can be cruel. The hatred spewed forth from differing sides is horrid to watch.

When a Funeral Professional tells you that you should not have a viewing or that the casket should be closed, AGREE AND MOVE ON. You really DON'T want to know what your loved one looks like sometimes. To have that as your last memory of your loved one is harsh. You will never forget that look, the feel or the smell. Treasure your happy times and be satisfied with that. Please. I have seen things I cannot un-see. (If anyone wants any more graphic detail, just ask - I'll message ya some stories.)

All that being said, there are also some crazy funny stories. People go completely batshit crazy sometimes. we had a lady pass out twice at her husband's service, only to wake up and beat on her sons while screaming gibberish. Another family sat and drank several bottles of vodka thru the entire viewing. We got them outside to the patio area before they started puking everywhere. Seriously - the family situations can get really twisted. We had one case where wife called about her husband. We start the whole process, then get a call from his sister the next day. Oops! Not the right wife! We had to scurry around to get current wife to sign all paperwork since the 'wife' we talked to eventually turned out to be nothing more than a girlfriend who had been duped. She thought she was wife #2, but she was actually wife #3 except he never divorced #2, so the 3rd marriage was never legal. She went from being the next-of-kin to being as legally significant as the part-time barista at Starbucks. And guess who had to tell her? US! Yeah . . . that went well.

Well well well. I think I used up all of my brains LOL! So . . . I'll conclude with this:

I LOVE my job, I don't think I'll switch jobs again if I have any choice in the matter, and I really don't mind talking about my job. I can't use identifying details (names, locations, reports) but I have no problem telling work stories (which my hubby loves). It's some crazy stuff, FO SHO! But not everyone is interested, so I only tell upon request. 

Q: Will you be spending your next anniversary with a candlelight dinner in the morgue? :P

Ha ha ha!! We really enjoy Halloween around our house. We got married on Halloween - his choice. I like the cutesy Halloween stuff (think Hallmark) whereas DH is more into the science-fiction-zombie stuff. I'm not so sure about the morgue dinner thing LOL. Not the place where you want food to be!  LOL LOL LOL 

Q: Erin, what you do is an amazing thing. In Jewish tradition, there is a special process of ritually and spiritually cleansing the body. It is said to be one of the most important things that a person can do for another. We don't do open caskets or any of the dressing up of the body - so I find it interesting what you are doing. 

  

Oh wow! We don't have a large Jewish population in our area, so I had no idea! I find traditions and sacraments to be so fascinating. We do have quite a Mormon population in the area, so we have done several LDS cases. Their tradition is that the ladies of the church will dress the loved one. It's a whole set-up that we have to do to make that possible, but it's really cool that we do it. The last LDS case we did, there was no way to dress - they had to just lay the clothes on top of the remains. Such a touching and moving thing to see. 

Q: So what is your actual title?  I thought you were doing accounting, but then I saw you are a licensed funeral director? How did you get that?

Here's the history of the Funeral Director title in my life: BIL & SIL opened their own mortuary 2-3 years ago. In order to be a licensed funeral home in the state of Cali, you must have a Licensed Funeral Director attached to your facility. In order to be a Licensed Funeral Director, you must have a bachelor's degree (no clue why, but there it is). Neither BIL or SIL ever went to college, so they wanted to have the FD license held by a family member. DH and I are the only ones in the whole clan with college degrees, so it was either DH or me. DH was not interested in studying for any state test, so it was ME. So, I got my FD license about 1-1/2 years ago - just after I got my LEED Green Associate certification for Environmental Construction (the tests were 2 weeks apart - felt like I was in college all over again!). I got paid for having my license posted on the wall in the office of the mortuary. Sweet deal for me!


Fast forward about a year - I was hating my construction company for how they screwed GB, and the mortuary had expanded to a second location. They (we? LOL) are looking to expand to a third location by 2013, so another person needed to be brought on board to get the admin side of things in order, and to probably run one location. Long story short; they came to me, and the timing worked out so that we are both happy now.

I had understood that as the company Office Manager, my job would be 100% clerical - accounting, payroll, shipping/receiving and supplies for both locations. Turns out that I am doing all of that AND helping with the cases from beginning to end. I have gone on removals (hospitals & convalescent homes only, so far - have yet to go to a residence or to a coroner), assisted the embalmer (he's a nut - we have a blast), polished countless caskets, babysat in the kids room during viewings, transferred cremains into urns and keepsake jewelry (UGH!!!), fought with doctors regarding causes of death, processed countless death certificates and permits for final disposition of remains, scrubbed the coolers, mopped the bathrooms, made coffee, edited Remembrance DVD's, vacuumed the chapel, cleaned the refrigerator, bleached the fountain on teh patio, scheduled crematory pickups and deliveries, repaired the rental silk flower arrangements, repaired the rental casket, prepped loved ones for cremation, made WalMart runs for superglue and hairspray, detailed the hearse . . . you name it, I've done it. All of this while getting a crash course in Human Psychology with every family we encounter.

So yeah, my business cards say Funeral Director (I always have to sign with my license number - complete PITA), but I'm the last one in the building to sit with an individual family to make initial arrangements. I make everything else happen in the background, and step in with families only when my arranger needs 'backup'.


Like today.

By the time we were done with this family, both my arranger and I probably need to go to rehab. The smell of pot was overwhelming, which was kind of amazing since it didn't appear as though any of them had bathed this month. I'm certain the sister was on meth. Between the 4 of them, they had about 30 teeth. Those were never brushed either. Granddaughter and Sister nearly came to blows a few times over the date of the services. Strange, because their loved one was a Veteran, and they've chosen the local National Cemetery. The military picks the date and time for the funeral - the family has no choice (they're doing about 100 a day - there are 8 staging areas, and they go every 15 minutes). I ended up just sitting in the room with my Arranger to help keep things calm.

We may have a gypsy funeral next week. That should be very interesting. I will see about pictures, if it's photo-worthy.

WOW - I think I wore out the keyboard!!! Sheesh . . . . Can you tell I don't have many outlets for Funeral Talk? LOL LOL LOL

Angel, gel, and Kermit

So here it is, late October, and I'm finally posting again.  I have done some crazy things, seen some things I will never forget, and I think I'm finally able to write about some of it.

I dealt with my first infant. Sweet little angel girl - about 10 mos old, I think.  I haven't seen the death certificate, so I'm not sure what her age was.  She's too young to be in EDRS so her death had to be recorded to the State by hand.  Tragic tragic story:  Mom and Dad go out for a date, leaving Angel in Grandpa's care.  They return to find Angel dead, and Grandpa missing.  Coroner and Embalmer found puncture wounds on her lower back, and a deliberate slice along the top of one buttock. She was also very bruised on her upper back and buttocks.  I don't know if Grandpa has been found yet or not.  Mom is not doing well - her daughter is dead and her father has disappeared.  Dad is teetering on the edge of sanity - he's reportedly bashing his head into walls, so he was all cut up and bruised at her funeral.  I couldn't watch the embalming nor the autopsy repair - apparently infants are embalmed through the heart, and they place the heart on the chest when they do it so it can be done properly.  Boss Lady stayed back there during the procedure.  The next day, I helped Arranger CDC Angel (cosmetize, dress and casket).  Her casket was light pink, with a sweet embroidered poem inside the lid.  Parents sent a cute little pink tights/purple tutu dress. Arranger did a fantastic job on her makeup. She looked just like she was sleeping. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I made myself do it.  If she were my baby, I would want the last person to touch her to do so with gentle love and tender care.  So I did it for Angel's mom.

A few days later, I went to my brother's son's birthday party (LOL - just ask if you don't understand).  The following night, I dreamed about the party - everything was the same, except I saw Angel playing in the bounce house and running around the lawn with all the other kids.  I knew it was her from her hair and her outfit.  I didn't interact with her in the dream, and I don't remember a parent or anything, but she was all giggles and smiles.  I woke up being very glad that she was safe and happy.

A few days later, I definitely had my most disturbing day.  I watched our Embalmer and our Driver piece together a man's head and sew it back on to his body.  I thought Driver was going to pass out.  He was doing the holding while Embalmer did the sewing.  Embalmer had to mold wax to form the back of his head where the skull had been completely obliterated.  Motorcycle accidents can do terrible things to the human form.  And this guy wore his helmet.  We tried to talk the family out of doing a viewing, but they really really wanted an ID viewing (no casket, minimal makeup, dressed from the chest up with a blanket, laying on a table).  He died from blunt force trauma to the chest (no ribs were connected anymore and both arms had been shattered), so his whole upper body was like a cold gel-filled pouch after the embalming - arms and everything.  It was starting to come out his pores, so everywhere the fabric touched him, it got damp and stuck. It was really gross. He looked much better than we thought he would turn out, but I nearly croaked when his sister flung herself on top of him, sobbing.  He was icy cold and really squishy - I just feel so sad that her last memory of him is that.

And then there was Green Man.  We had a gentleman who Embalmer worked on the day after he arrived in our care.  Embalmer was NOT pleased with his state - not sure how long he had been dead nor where he had been between the time he died and the time we got him.  Embalmer did the best he could, but said it was like embalming tofu.  Fast forward a few days - we pull him out so embalmer can CDC him. Embalmer pulls back the sheet and I see the creepiest thing I've ever seen in my life. He was a zombie. Green, dark green, bright green . . . every shade of green you could imagine.  Pretty amazing for a light skinned Latino man.  He honestly looked like a Halloween prop.  I guess the look on my face said it all - Boss Lady could see me but not Green Man.  She immediately grabbed her camera and sent a picture to Boss Man, telling him the viewing was OFF.  Whew.

Again, people - when a funeral professional steers you away from having a viewing, please follow their lead.  Luckily, Green Man's family paid attention and they had a closed casket service.

Will have to write about the fighting families later.  I'm wiped out from writing this - it's bringing it all up again and it's getting to me.

YEOWZA

Okay - today, Tues Sept 27, 2011, was quite the day.  I'll just go in chronological order.

Got to work early - we had an ID viewing at 9:30, so we needed to prep.  Also, Embalmer was going to be there to do the autopsy repair for the viewing, and we had the crematory driver there picking up cases and dropping off cremains.  He's a new driver - hope he works out for them.

I walk into the prep area, and Embalmer is getting the case out of the cooler. We chat while he works.  Crematory Driver is finishing loading up the cases in his van.  I check in the cremains.  I end up a few inches away from the head of Embalmer's work table.  He unzips the bag, and there was the craziest sight I've yet to see (SKIP IF YOU DON'T WANT GRAPHIC DETAIL).  The man had gone through a complete autopsy, so he was what is called "fully posted".  He had the "Y incision and his scalp was sliced so they could cut the skull and get the brain out.  This particular man? They didn't put the skull cap back inside.  The top of his skull was laying just above his shoulder, upside down. The skin on his face was still intact, so he looked normal up until the eyebrows - then the scalp sunk down into the empty space that used to house his skull and brain.  It was the most startling thing I've ever seen.  I was not prepared for it AT ALL.  It actually made me leave the room. (Embalmer came and checked on me later to make sure I was okay.  He's such a good egg!)  Anyway, by the time Embalmer was done cleaning him up, he had reinserted the skull parts and sewed his scalp back together.  We were told the family was going to bring a cap of some kind, so we weren't worried about the sutures showing.

We wheel him out to the chapel and get it set up for the ID viewing starting within the hour.  I go back to my desk, and Embalmer goes in the back to start the embalming case he needs to do for services on Friday.  Moments later, I hear him yell for our Driver.  Not a full minute after that, they are both standing in my doorway yelling at me to get the Crematory driver to come back ASAP.  He took the wrong case.  HOLY CRAP!!  This is a HUGE error - it can't get bigger than this.  Cremation is F O R E V E R - no returns, no exchanges, no refunds.  I get on the phone to the crematory while I'm texting my crematory contact.  Left messages at all four numbers, plus email and text. Finally hear from her that her driver is 5 min away from their office.  He swears he has the right cases.  We beg to differ.  Embalmer has no body to work on now, so he heads out to another job. We agree to reschedule when we receive the case back.

My SIL/Boss came in, looking a little ragged and red-eyed.  I asked what was wrong, and she said she'd spent the morning crying.  I started to panic, but she smiled and said it's all good - her 17yo son Came Out to her last night.  For anyone that knows Nephew, this is NOT news, but it's never been spoken.  I'm so proud of him and how strong a person he is, and proud of her, too.  This is a little hard on her.  BIL, Nephew's step dad, is having a bit harder of a time, but I think he'll come around.  What's REALLY sucky is that poor Nephew has homophobic cousins on all sides. Sadly, I'm related to two of them. These are going to be interesting holidays this year, that's for sure.

The ID viewing for Graphic Case gets started. An ID view is smaller, shorter and cheaper than a viewing.  Limited to 10 people or less, no hair/makeup done, laying on a table with a pillow and a blanket, no casket usage, etc.  Minimal minimal minimal.  We make each attendee sign a release stating that viewing their loved one in this condition is likely to be traumatic, yada yada yada.  So I'm sitting in my office, and I hear a small child scream and cry.  The Mom in me bolts out of my office, and there, in the front fucking row of the chapel, sits some twatwaffle douchecanoe adult with the dead man's 2 year old daughter.  We remind the family we have a child's room down the hallway with a DVD player & Disney movies, toys, crayons, etc.  NOPE, said the fuckwits, she's fine here with us. They sat there for over an hour. OH - and guess who decided to not bring a hat for him??!!  Poor little girl had to sit there with her dad laid out on a table, sutures on his bald scalp, eyes and mouth superglued shut, hands all thin and pasty while lower arms were swollen with fluids that had settled, and MORE grossness if they lifted the blanket.  WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BRING A CHILD???!!!  I had to leave the room before I got arrested.

Get a call from the crematory.  Driver should be back by 1:00 with our case.  Late last night we took in a stinky case, so I informed them that they would be returning one, picking up the correct case and taking an additional case - no charge.  I got no argument. Call Embalmer, reschedule this embalming for tomorrow.  THANK HEAVEN we had a few days leeway on that one - their services are on Friday.

ID view finally ends, poor traumatized child can finally leave, and we clean up the chapel to get ready for the 1:00 service.

LUNCHTIME! 

There is definitely MORE, but it's late and I'm tired, so I'll continue this at a later time.

Peace Out

Gimme a room without a view

The funeral professionals of the world are just trying to protect you.  Don't make us explain everything.  You really do NOT want the details, no matter how much you say you do. Just trust us when we request loose-fitting, long sleeves and head coverings.  Really.

Seriously, people, dead bodies are not pretty, as a general rule. Especially dead bodies of those you knew in life.  We had a family who was just not 'getting it' when we kept suggesting they bring in a baseball cap, or a ski cap or some other head covering for their loved one.  "But he really didn't care for hats, so it's stupid to put a hat on him now!  He was always proud of his hair!"  Well, guess what.  Your precious angel was killed in prison. That means autopsy, which means shaving the head so they can cut off the top of the skull to access the brain.  Really NOT what you want as your last mental image of your child, now is it?  Didn't think so.

If there's an autopsy, you don't want a viewing. Trust me on this one.  Really and truly.  The repair work can be extensive (which easily translates into expensive) and then you have the WRONG image to keep in your memory bank as 'the last time' you saw them.  The term 'discoloration' has a whole new meaning to me now, and I now understand 'rigor mortis' like never before.   If you hear the words 'fetal position', you don't want a viewing.  This is definitely "past the point of no return" stuff.

I don't know the reasons why people want to see the bodies (or at least waist-up) of their loved ones. It's definitely cultural.  If my successors allow, I want a direct cremation after the harvesters have gotten anything useful out of my shell of a being.  No need to go to the expense of buying land to bury me, the casket, the vault and gravemarker.  We're shy on real estate anyway - why take up more space?!  Inter my ashes if you must have 'a place' to visit, or just scatter me.  I have no use for the shell anymore, so why keep it around?  And please LORD do not put me on a shelf in a house somewhere!! That honestly creeps me out.

What a loser.

I am doing this on my phone, so I will have to make corrections once I get back on the conputer . . .

Ism just feeling kinda low . . . i really need to get a grip.  There is soooo much more I should be and sooo much more I should be doing.  i just want to make my little corner of the world a little better.  But i have no idea what to do, and i have no energy or strength to do it.  I know Ive done some good things in my life, but I'm just so overwhelmed by the crap and chaos I cause.

i do know why I am on the earth, though.  It is to bring David into this world.  the scary thing is, I dont know how to handle his issues.  I'm just not prepared to deal with the diagnosis - so much so that =Sm refusing to find out for sure what the   diagnosis is.  How stupid and selfish can I be??!!  What a shitty mother I am.  My awesome son deserves so much more than I can give him.  I'm just lost . . .